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Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*