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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.