Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.