@abrosenthal

A study found that Buzzfeed is the least trusted news source in media. Serves them right for telling me I belong in Hufflepuff.

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@fucpk

*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?

@breatheandlove

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

@therepoguy

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

@KevinHart4real

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?