A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
For the orator and chef in all of us
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.