Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*