Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

An odd boast

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Easy enough.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?