A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
