A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Beware of the dog..
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water