A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.


Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.


My GFs family are religious which sux

1st time I stayed there her dad wouldnt let us sleep together

Was a shame cuz he was very attractive


me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep


I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.


Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.


Me: I’ll take that promotion now.


My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.


Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse


*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”


This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.