a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Okay this one takes it home
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
they see me scrollin
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down