a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.