Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

sailors wish they could swear like me

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.