a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
How it started How it’s going
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.