Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

i’m laughing very hard in real life

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

“HELP WITH CAT”

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me: