A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
😭😭
