Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

choose your fighter

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.