Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.