A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Probably my best painting.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?