Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

how DARE

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild