Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs