A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
constantly working on myself.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.