A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
#parenting
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?