A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
Feels like the fourth month in January
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Why am I like this?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.