*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You Might Also Like
Awwwww shit.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror: