Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

how long have you had this for?

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this