Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

this is 10/10 content no notes

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later