A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Huge, if true.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?