A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
The median voter
classic mixup
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.