A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Good dog. ❤️
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.