A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted