A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Had to try this trend 😊
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.