A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
