Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Love this guy

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

inventing words: clothing

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot