A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
You Might Also Like
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
same but as an audience member