A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
You Might Also Like
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.