A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”