Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

This hospital has everything