Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

i will avenge u mr van gogh

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.