A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Growing out my freckles.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.