Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.