A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?