A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
You Might Also Like
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Blew out my flip flop…
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)