Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

new shirt idea

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

be safe out there!

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?