A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss