[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
You Might Also Like
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I am having an out of money experience.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
liiiiiiiiike
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*