Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

is there nothing we can trust anymore