[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no