A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Note to self: I am a note
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
this has to be peak English
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)