A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.