A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two