a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
describing stardew valley
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.