a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
You Might Also Like
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
This is enough internet for the day.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.