a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
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Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.