A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.