A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
The three genders
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
For those that worship cheese..
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.