A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Waiting for the Charmin
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Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN