A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
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[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening