A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt