Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

Wait a minute

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it