Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Green is just blue that someone peed in

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity