A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.