A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *