@sweetmomissa

A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

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@Dmvm1977

Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.

Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.

@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

@ch000ch

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

@gruffybeard

I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.

Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.

@TheMichaelRock

7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!

Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.

@CrazyClarine

After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.

@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@Area51eh

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.

@Dad_At_Law

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.