A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
This is my brand.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT