Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.