A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers