Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

just pretend nothing happened

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!