Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

$3 #books

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.