A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Never be a pizza!
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.