A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
THIS HEADLINE
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.