A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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felt that
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?