a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
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[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.