Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.