Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

I drew y’all a little something.

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.