A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
This meal prepping shit is easy
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
not seeing the problem
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them